When I started this journey I was a size 18 working my way to a 20 and beyond...
I am now down 55 pounds. A month or so ago I bought a size 12 thinking that was my size and very happy. I got home and it was too big, I returned them for a size 10 pretty happy, but assuming the pants ran big.
I like to shop, really like to shop. My mother says I could clothe a third world country... even at my biggest I still wanted to look good. I have never been the person to not shop just because I was fat.
This week I went a few times, as nothing fits me... Good will is being supplied by me right now. I miss my favorite grey pants so bad... I loved them :)
I noticed I still continue to look in the plus size or XL clothes. Even though I know I don't fit in them. It's habit to look at 14-16 and XL or XXL..
I bought another size 12 pants of the rack went home too big. Still thinking I can't be a "real" size 10 I did something crazy... I went to Macy's grabbed a size 10 in every section. Like 10 pairs and you know what they all fit and a few were lose. I tried on medium shirts.. Some too big...
I have all these people telling me how great I look. " your so tiny" "you are getting so skinny" but when I look in the mirror, I still see no change. I'm not stupid, I know I'm smaller I know my clothes are way smaller, but looking in the mirror I still see that fat girl waiting to come back. Ok so my face looks better ill admit that. But the rest looks the same. My best friend says I need to study more before and after photos... She's a genius so maybe I should?
The thing is that fat girl didn't really hate herself, didn't really have self loathing, or fixate on her "problem" areas. She was over all pretty happy. She new she needed to lose weight, but she still liked herself. She still thought she was pretty and soooo funny :) and who cares what she looked like she was hard working, well respected and loved by her friends and a wonderful man... Skinny schminny...
So why now I am fixating on my body issues? Why now when I look the best I have looked in 14 years, the healthiest, the most physically fit, am I crying in the bathroom over my missing belly button?(loose sagging tummy skin has made my belly button disappear). I'm not finished I still have 20-30 pounds to go, maybe it will get better. But, maybe it won't....
It's silly I'll have babies one day and then I can get a tummy tuck. :)
The thing is I am so proud of my physical capabilities, the things I am doing at Crossfit are blowing my mind. I am starting to hit the running training again pretty hard ( I'm a spring , summer, fall runner) and I know I am about to hit some awesome times. I love pushing myself and being this fit.... That is amazing..
Maybe it's just an emotional month, the wedding is coming up quick, that's stressful, work has been crazy, and we're buying a house...
Last April when I really kicked this journey in to high gear I had this little dream I'd have a bikini body by my honeymoon , well 12 weeks from now I don't actually see that happening... It'll be ok ill still look pretty good...
When does that fat girl really leave? Or will she always be with me? Or is the skinny girl the one with the problem... I don't know... I guess we'll see.....
This journey is a mental transformation a well as physical..
Awesome thougths to share!! I have never known you to not love yourself or life, continue to love yourself and be proud of who you are..Crossfit looks hard.LOL
ReplyDeleteHayley,
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful inside and out and you always have been... at all sizes. What you are going through is normal. I wish I could be your mirror through these rough times. To allow you to see yourself through my eyes. If that were possible you would see someone who is determined, strong, capable, BEAUTIFUL, loyal, and simply amazing. Our inner fat girls will live inside us forever. Personally, I love mine. She keeps me grounded and reminds me where I have been and what I am capable of on days when I don't feel like the strongest version of myself. Unfortunately this is part of the process. But you've got this. You've tackled far worse. I'll be there with you every step of the way. Think how great our outer "fit" girls are going to look on your wedding day. Love you sister!
I'm the same way... it's a little different because most of what I look at is the stretch marks and loose skin from having kids, but I swear no matter how much weight I lose it is still frustrating because those few things will never go away. Tummy tuck is on my list after a few things at our house are fixed :)
ReplyDeleteWonderful blog entry. Your thoughts make so much sense to me. I appreciate your honesty as you are entering a new phase of your journey. And congratulations on all that you've accomplished!
ReplyDelete