Down the treadmill road....

Yesterday was a rest/stretching day. Well I didn't do much stretching. I worked and played with my nieces.

Playing with them is my fave.

Today I decided to run on the treadmill. There was a little more rain in my life than I wanted....The "dread mill" is usually my nemesis. Now I have my own and it's not so bad. I love to listen to music when I run outside, but inside I listen to podcasts currently "girls gone wod" is my favorite. 

Today's run went so much better, still hard and not where I want to be, but I felt my legs coming back.

Plus I got to try out my cute new calf sleeves.

I feel myself coming back. I feel an awakening happening... Amen!

Tomorrow is a crossfitt day... See how that goes!

First run to Portland..... Or Enumclaw

Today was my first real run in months... Let me tell ya it was not pretty. My lungs burned, my calfs and quads burned and it was only 2.5 miles. It was slow and quite a bit more walking than I thought, but you know what? It was amazing! I'm not sure how I forgot just how much I love running. The feeling I felt between gasps of air was awesome. I have a long way to go but, so proud to be doing it!

Besides look at this beautiful site!

Then I decided to come home and work on the "devil".... I mean double unders. Double unders are like that bad relationship. We break up, get back together, break up.... We are currently on a break.... The welts on my ankles and arms are proof it's not a pretty break.

Overall I feel awesome!

Day 1 "Road to Portland"

Today is day one of what I am calling..."Road to Portland". Yesterday I signed up for the Portland marathon. 

It has been almost 3 years since my last marathon and almost 2 years since I have ran anything longer than 6 miles. 

I am a little worried about it, but really excited. Worried that I won't be able to do it, or that my body will not get in shape fast enough. Worried that I will hate running again. Worried I will burn out before I get there. These are all a bunch of what ifs though. 

I am excited to be setting a health goal. I have taken some time away from running to focus on Crossfit. The last 6 months however, I have barely been crossfitting and absolutely no running. To to tackle this is really exciting and epically scary.

Life has been a real struggle this past year. Getting married, new house, sick in-laws, sick family, depression/anxiety, and the death of one of the most important people in my life. I have been on a downward spiral. Running really helped me the last time I was going through a rough time, I pray it will this time as well.

So anyway....

I plan on documenting the training, the eating, the fuel, the wods, and all the stuff in between. Sometimes I may even do a video. The plan is to really be present and enjoy this whole experience.

Stick with me

Day 1 reboot (#437)

I have probably started a "diet" , or some weight loss plan or you name it about 437 times... Give or take a few...

I ALWAYS do 2 things. Buy a new notebook and have to start on the 1st of whatever month it is... It's a strange ritual. 

If you read my last blog then you know I was in a bad way last week. I was in a dark place. Horrible habits had returned and I was doing everything wrong.

Writing that blog was so therapeutic. It's like I could see the light after hitting the post button. It was no longer my dirty little secret. I shared it, no longer wanting to hide it. I couldn't.

All weekend I read, I read a CrossFit book, I started reading an emotional eating book and a Paleo book. I started reading blogs I follow again. I started to make a plan. I started making goals.... I was trying to find my light, my fire and my inspiration... I really am the only one you can...

So this "day 1" I did 2 things I have never done before.... I recycled an old notebook and started on the 30th.... This "day 1"  needs to be different ....

Not Cured.... Part 1

Just when I thought I was cured.....

I was pretty sure I was "cured" of all my food issues, the bingeing, the sneaking, the hiding, and emotionally horrible relationship I have with food. I really, really thought after a whole year of success I was cured. I had lost 60 pounds, was running, crosfitting, attending Weight Watcher meetings weekly all while planning a wedding... Clearly I was "cured" Then May 20, 2013 happened. To understand that day you needs some real back story.

My negative relation ship with food began when I was 9 years old. I was in a competitive world of figure skating. When I was 9 I was put on my first diet. At 9 I thought it was kind of cool, calorie counting, my own special food and my mom bought me a food scale and measuring cups all my own. It was fun for a minute. Until my little brothers and I went to McDonalds and they had cheese burgers and Happy Meals and I had salads or plain chicken sandwiches. No french fries. I totally snuck fries when no one was looking. Eating healthy was and losing 10 pounds was necessary, my mom and I just didn't have any skills yet. So I just felt like there was something wrong with me.

Weekly weigh-ins, running laps, wind sprints, one legged squats, and box Jumps. I was a very healthy and fit child. I was very fit and healthy, but a horrible sneak eater. I was fantastic at binging and starving to always make weight. I never purged, I tried once, but it was really too much work for me, no real gag reflex... Lucky or i'd have a whole other mess of problems. I would, steal my dads junk food, and brothers halloween candy. I was really good and never got caught.

This pattern continued until I was 14 and I quit skating the first time. I quit in September and by the following summer I had gained 80 pounds... That year was the start of the worst time in my life. My mom had been going to a manic break, needed to be hospitalized, I had 3 little brothers, a useless father, and no other adult help. I began eating to soothe, I felt scared, alone, and hopeless. Pop and junk food really helped that. I ate everything, and since I quit skating and my mom was sick, I never had to hide it, but I did anyway. I was depressed and so overweight.

By the time I was 17, my mom got happy and healthy. The happiest I remember. We joined Weight watchers with a vengeance. My dad had a really great job at that point, so mom worked part time and we played, shopped, and went to weight watchers a lot. While at the time it felt great, we were still not learning how to deal. We just really had a low drama period and we got to focus on Weight Watchers. We never focused on the issue. My emotionally negative relationship with food.

About a year I had lost 50 pounds, got my first boyfriend, and a new job.  I quit Weight Watchers, then began 10 years of bad habits, weight gain, depression, bad relationships, and food comforting me through it all.

January 2010 I decided I was going to get "skinny by 30" (Turned 30 nov. 2010). I joined Weight Watchers I did really well I lost 45 pounds and began running. 5K'S, 1/2 marathons, and eventually in 2011 I ran a full marathon. Contrary to popular belief running alone doesn't make you skinny, by the time I ran the full marathon I had gained 20 pounds back.

After you complete something like a full marathon, at least for me, there was a day after Christmas feeling. All those months of training and it was over.... I trained and worked my butt off and now it was over. I was at a loss, the winter was closing in, and I was fat again. Then the viscous cycle began. Eat like crap, feel like crap, gain weight, feel bad, eat more... Did that for a a while.

I have a bad habit of being an all or nothing kind of person. ... It's a ridiculous habit... A habit I am still struggling with.

I got engaged in January 2012, long time coming and very happy. I gained more weight....

Finally April 2012 I decided I was going to NOT be  a fat bride... I hit Weight Watches and running with a vengeance. I was on a mission. In November I started Crossfit and that changed my life. I love Crossfit!

My the Time May 19, 2013 I was down almost 60 pounds, a size 8 and in amazing shape. I had never felt better! I was living my dream...

The thing is, I got back from my honeymoon, we didn't have a place to live (our short sale was delayed), The My father-in-law became very Ill. My husband and I were not seeing each-other at all and my job was not helping anything. The last 3 months have been stressful and depressing. I am not dealing well. Food has been such a comfort.

The most frustrating thing in the world, is I know what to do. I know the tools, I know what to eat, I know what to drink. When I am eating my feelings I see it, I scold myself and just keep eating. The last Three weeks have been the worst. I am sneaking, bingeing and helpless. Weight Watchers and CrossFit are not even helping right now. Hoping that writing it down will be helpful and cathartic.

I had 25 pounds to lose for goal, now its 35. I have to get to goal before I have a baby. I really really want to have a baby.  The thing is, I have to lose it for me, I have to figure out how to not eat my emotions.

I really thought I was cured... I made it through planning a wedding all on on my own and didn't stress eat at all! Why am I NOW??? So confused.  I really need some self reflection.

I am going to make some goal lists, set some plans, read some books, blog more, and get back to reality. Food does not fix anything. It's actually making me feel worse.

I'm not cured....

......To be continued

A diary of a recovering fat girl

When I started this journey I was a size 18 working my way to a 20 and beyond...

I am now down 55 pounds. A month or so ago I bought a size 12 thinking that was my size and very happy. I got home and it was too big, I returned them for a size 10 pretty happy, but assuming the pants ran big.

I like to shop, really like to shop. My mother says I could clothe a third world country... even at my biggest I still wanted to look good. I have never been the person to not shop just because I was fat.

This week I went a few times, as nothing fits me... Good will is being supplied by me right now. I miss my favorite grey pants so bad... I loved them :)

I noticed I still continue to look in the plus size or XL clothes. Even though I know I don't fit in them. It's habit to look at 14-16 and XL or XXL..

I bought another size 12 pants of the rack went home too big. Still thinking I can't be a "real" size 10 I did something crazy... I went to Macy's grabbed a size 10 in every section. Like 10 pairs and you know what they all fit and a few were lose. I tried on medium shirts.. Some too big...

I have all these people telling me how great I look. " your so tiny" "you are getting so skinny" but when I look in the mirror, I still see no change. I'm not stupid, I know I'm smaller I know my clothes are way smaller, but looking in the mirror I still see that fat girl waiting to come back. Ok so my face looks better ill admit that. But the rest looks the same. My best friend says I need to study more before and after photos... She's a genius so maybe I should?

The thing is that fat girl didn't really hate herself, didn't really have self loathing, or fixate on her "problem" areas. She was over all pretty happy. She new she needed to lose weight, but she still liked herself. She still thought she was pretty and soooo funny :) and who cares what she looked like she was hard working, well respected and loved by her friends and a wonderful man... Skinny schminny...

So why now I am fixating on my body issues? Why now when I look the best I have looked in 14 years, the healthiest, the most physically fit, am I crying in the bathroom over my missing belly button?(loose sagging tummy skin has made my belly button disappear). I'm not finished I still have 20-30 pounds to go, maybe it will get better. But, maybe it won't....

It's silly I'll have babies one day and then I can get a tummy tuck. :)

The thing is I am so proud of my physical capabilities, the things I am doing at Crossfit are blowing my mind. I am starting to hit the running training again pretty hard ( I'm a spring , summer, fall runner) and I know I am about to hit some awesome times. I love pushing myself and being this fit.... That is amazing..

Maybe it's just an emotional month, the wedding is coming up quick, that's stressful, work has been crazy, and we're buying a house...

Last April when I really kicked this journey in to high gear I had this little dream I'd have a bikini body by my honeymoon , well 12 weeks from now I don't actually see that happening... It'll be ok ill still look pretty good...

When does that fat girl really leave? Or will she always be with me? Or is the skinny girl the one with the problem... I don't know... I guess we'll see.....

This journey is a mental transformation a well as physical..

CrossFit

At the end of October I needed a change. I needed to reawaken my motivation. Get my drive back to where it should be. I needed something to get me fired up.

I had been looking into crossfit for a while. A friend of mine had started earlier in the year and she really liked it. I was afraid, and intimidated to try. I was worried I wasn't fit enough, or skinny enough and that I wasn't going to be able to do it. Not to mention could I afford it or should I spend the money. I just had so many reservations.

Finally in November I made a decision to try. I made a bold move and signed up for the beginner class. I was so scared starting that first class. So afraid I was going to look like a fool or not be able to keep up.

The owners are amazing! Crystal and Anson are the perfect balance. They push you and love you all at the same time. They are special and incredible people. They know your name and remember your strengths and weaknesses. They make you " get comfortable with being uncomfortable" :) I don't think I could have done it with out them. The feel your frustration, like when double unders are just making you so angry. The feel the joy. When you do your first inverted ring hang. As I scream for joy on accomplishing a new skill. They smile and are just as thrilled as I am. That is special.

I am now 11 weeks of doing crossFit. 3-4 days a week and running 2-3. My body had changed in a way that I can't believe . I have lost 8 pounds and several inches already. Even better is how my soul feels.I am alive and so proud of myself.

As you can see the pictures there have been some battle wounds. I couldn't be more proud of them. I love being pushed and doing things I never thought possible.

It has made my love for running return. Running has become something I enjoy doing instead if making me skinny and my reason to lose weight. Now I run because I love it and way to do it.

Now one of my closest friends is doing crossFit. It's so fun to talk WOD.

CrossFit is a lifestyle and a community of people all different sizes, ages, and skill levels but everyone is welcome. You start crossFit you join a family.

I love every painful and joy filled moment.